That One Day

This is going to be hard …

I found out I was pregnant when I was 16 years old and I wasn’t sure which one of my brothers it belonged too. I did know that it was one of theirs though because at that time I was no longer with anyone else but them and when I say that I mean that I wasn’t with one of the many strangers that I was sent to and the only people who had been with me were them.

Again, I probably don’t need to emphasize this but I will, I wasn’t with them because I wanted to be and here I am at 16 now pregnant because of one of them.  I imagine it is hard for any teenage girl to tell their mother that they are pregnant but for me it seemed a million times harder.

The first month when I missed my period I started suspecting and shortly after that I was able to grab one of those home tests without anyone finding out so I thought. Lets go on the assumption right now that no one knew though because at that time I thought no one knew. Well it said positive but I ignored it for several weeks because I was, of course, freaking out. I had always been against abortions and since I was so against it I was almost hoping that my mother wouldn’t freak out so bad when I found the guts to tell her.

As the weeks went on though I got more and more scared and I didn’t have anyone I could trust so I told no one and just let myself freak out more and more. I tried to make sure I did everything the way I always did so people couldn’t figure it out on their own but inside me I felt so alone and I was literately going insane.  It got so bad that I did some things that I don’t want to admit but I will because I guess someone needs to know finally after all these years.

It started out small by going into my parents bathroom and finding pills in their cupboard and I honestly don’t even know what they were because I was trying to be fast so I grabbed like 5 and took them and then I did it again another day this time taking more because I didn’t want an abortion but I couldn’t tell my mother either. That is what I decided so I figured that if the baby just .. died .. then that would fix all this. For a couple weeks I snuck into their bathroom steal pills hoping to kill the baby but obviously someone was going to find out that pills were missing so I didn’t get away with it for long.

To skip a lot of writing I will say that my mother already knew that I was pregnant. Someone saw me at the store and told her and she just searched the house and trash and everywhere until she found the stick and saw the result for herself and then she let me freak out for over a month and she claims she knew I was stealing the pills yet she just let me continue doing it. I was actually at the time kind of mad at her because if I had known sooner that she already knew then I probably wouldn’t have gone so insane with worrying and being scared and ultimately trying to kill the baby so I didn’t have to face her.

Obviously she said that she didn’t believe the baby belonged to one of the boys but instead she thought I was sneaking out of the house and sleeping around. No matter what I tried to say she wouldn’t believe me so honestly I didn’t try for to long to convince her otherwise. One thing I had learned ages ago already was that once her mind was made up there was no changing it no matter if you had proof or not.  So my mother insisted I get an abortion I mean since I was trying to kill the baby anyways then that meant I wasn’t capable of being a mother and she said that she would never let me have a kid anyways because it would totally ruin the whole perfect family image.

Ok she didn’t really say it like that but I knew that was the gist of it. I was a minor so she had to sign all the papers to get it done and of course she found a place that didn’t care about what I might want and since she insisted on it no one talked to me. The doctors and the nurses talked to each other about me and my mother was there and it was like it wasn’t really me there. They didn’t try to make me feel comfortable or anything. They did what they had to do then I went home and that was the end of it. It was never spoke of again and I don’t think my mother even told my father either and I am pretty sure the other kids didn’t know either but again, I am not really sure.

Even now, when at the doctor and I am asked if I have kids and how many, I say I have 2 and then they ask “and did you have any other pregnancy”? I always say no even though I know it is a lie. I know that if I was to say yes then they would ask what happened and then I would have to say it, so to me it is just easier to say no.

It was November 13th that I had the abortion and that day is one of several days in my life that I dread. I keep trying to convince myself that it was for the best but I know that isn’t true. I was so against abortion and I still am but now it is like I can’t tell anyone that I am against abortion because that would make me a hypocrite.

My mother told me on the way home that day that it was a girl but I don’t know how she would know that (she probably didn't know!) but since that is what I was told that is what I think about when I think of that baby .. that little girl .. who never even had a chance .. because she was mine …

That is when my mother told me that if I ever did have kids someday then they would end up getting taken away from me because I wouldn’t be able to take care of them and would end up hurting them because that is what my parents did to me.  I always found it funny how she never classified herself with my real parents. It was always their fault and never her fault.

So yeah that is another thing I have to try to deal with constantly and it is one of the harder things and as far as forgiving myself or trying to get over it  that is one thing that I don’t think I can do this time.

Maybe I am wrong but it seems impossible to me.