Puppet

I see so many patterns in my life of all the times I kept at something .. doing it over and over again because it was expected of me. It never really mattered to me that I hated doing it. I just did it because I felt I had too and because somehow it was making someone else happy, or proud, or content.  There are even times I can remember staying places with certain people because I felt like I had too.  I felt like if I went away or made them go away then the other person would hate me or even feel so hurt by it and those thoughts always make me feel guilty. Like it wasn’t my place to hurt other people, even if they are hurting me or making me cry.

I feel like I have given so much to some people to the point I have given them everything that I am and all that is left of me is, well, nothing. I have worn clothes that they like and combed my hair how they like it. I smile on cue and pose like a puppet anyway they want me too and all I get back from them is “oh I love you so much” while at the same ignoring the tears as I force myself to once again play a role that was created for me.