Deserve ..

I can make a huge list of things I don’t think I deserve but that list would be really long. I don’t know why I think that I deserve nothing good. Maybe because I haven’t had much good in my life and yet I have had a lot of bad. After living a life full of bad things a person tends to think that must be all they deserve. At least that is what I think about myself. I can’t really speak for anyone else. It is really really hard for me to think about good things and say "I deserve this!"

My kids, even though sometimes they are naughty and drive me insane, they are awesome and nice and I love them to death. Yet at the same time I think that they deserve someone better then me. I don't feel worthy to be their mother a lot of times. I think I am a bad influence on them or I am not teaching them all the things they need to know for later in life. Or maybe they are catching all my fears and uncertainties and making them their own.

My daughter already says that she will never live alone. Maybe she says that now but as she grows older she will find that she is braver. Is this fear from me though? Sometimes I think it is because I have never lived alone that much either. I am scared of the dark and so is she. Is that my fault too? She hates doing chores and I hate them too, so maybe she learned that from me as well. She really is trying to be a little rebel too. I think, I hope, I have been steering her away from the worst of that, but she gets so mad at me when I tell her no. She talks back to me. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't hit me or swear or anything like you see them teens doing on Maury. I think she knows not to push it that far, so I am thankful for that. I just want her to know that I do everything because I love her .. I don't know if that is how she sees it though.

My son, he has a hard time answering questions and speaking up. I am the same way. I fear my son follows a crowd when around his friends because he wants to make them happy. I fear he is afraid of hurting peoples feelings, even if it means he gets hurt in the end. I see myself in them both sometimes and it scares me. It is all my fault and I don't know how to fix this. I want them to be awesome adults, but I fear they will end up just like me and I hate me. I don't want them to hate themselves or be afraid or be needy or dependent on other people. That is what I see though .. and I don't know what to do. I only have a few years left before they step out on their own and that scares me more then I can imagine.

Maybe I deserve the kids to be just like me too .. because I have been sitting here in my own messes for so long instead of doing what I need to do to help them become something other then me or like me. I don't know what to do though at this point. Is it to late to make an impression on them. Is it to late to help them become them .. instead of me.

I don't even know if this makes sense...